Category: Internet Dating

Real or make-believe?…….that is the question. Can we find a way to determine if the person we are falling for online is REAL??

This is one question that comes to mind a lot in online connections, be it emails or instant messages, and is peculiar to ONLY online communications. This cannot occur in any other venue except maybe writing letters back and forth to someone you have never met, such as pen pals, women who write to incarcerated men, etc.

Since we cannot see the person’s reactions to what we say, nor can we be distracted by a million other forms of sensory input that happen in person-to-person interaction, ONLINE communication becomes something nebulous falling somewhere between REAL and FANTASY in our mind.

We are real people talking to each other, but our mind has to find a place of security that is alien to its natural process. If one has spent a lot of time online interacting with others, one develops a place of security in one’s mind where by we can launch a scenario that is optimum for each particular person/case involved.

For instance, if we are talking to someone who fits the criteria that we have set for us to be able to explore a possible meeting, we have imposed a certain chain of events that will certainly take us to that end.

Systematically, we ask certain questions, interpret the answers, which lead to more questions, which lead to more answers that finally give us the specific information we need to make an educated guess as to the risk factor involved in actually meeting this person face to face.

After assessing all the things we have to assess, after eliminating a series of reasons why to meet or not meet this person, we ultimately whittle it down to whatever action we want to take.

On one hand, with online dating, before we meet face to face, we have a hell of a lot MORE information than we would have if we just met on the street. Assuming they have told the truth, we usually know their age, where they live, what they like sexually, and a lot of other personal things we’ve demanded they answer before we determine a quasi match.

But on the other hand, we have a whole lot LESS information than we would have if we had met this person in real time (seeing how they dress, carry themselves, relate to the world around them, how friendly they really are etc).

So, within this nebulous space we now have to create a whole new set of rules for ourselves. We have to come up with extra sensory perception that will guide us in our decision-making so that we can find the lowest risk factor possible for making the best assessment for success. Not only do we have to decide if this person is compatible, but we have to give ourselves the OK to bite the bullet and go for it.

The more we meet people this way, the more we learn how our new sensory perception has to develop. Each time we meet someone, we get the opportunity to develop our skill.

Once we have this person in our face, the brain has to switch from that nebulous place between REAL and FANTASY to REAL time. Now we fall back on what has always been familiar to us and that is CHEMISTRY.

Chemistry has a way of overriding much of the aforementioned data. New sensory input invades the senses and qualifies or disqualifies all previous information. This is the point where we go from the nebulous zone to a comfort zone.

At least we can trust chemistry. It’s almost an absolute for us. Chemistry is cut and dry. There is no question. We are in our comfort zone and know exactly if this person is energetically in tune with us or not.

But, what if the guy has a nervous twitch or looks at every woman’s ass that walks by, or what if the woman has an obnoxious high-pitched laugh? That nebulous zone never factored these types of things in to the quotient.

The solution to this is to have a web cam. You can see how the person responds to your words, see their facial movements, see their body, how they look when you make them smile, hell you can even see their pets, kids, and whatever else they care to show you.

You can’t, however, see how they react to the world around them, or know how friendly they are to senior citizens, or whether or not they have money in the bank, but if you are wondering if you are at least physically attracted to this person, the cam will show you a heck of a lot.

I think we create in our nebulous zone, how we want the person to be. When the other person doesn’t meet that expectation, we tend to then say, “they weren’t for REAL.” I am thinking that we create this person, as we want to see them to make it OK in our mind to meet them.

But when they aren’t THAT way really, aren’t WE ourselves to blame for making up this super being?? How many times have you said, “This is absolutely CRAZY!!?? I think I am madly in love and we haven’t even met!!” What we are “in love” with is the IDEA of this person being everything we have made them out to be which is of course, our perfect mate!!!

Is saying the person really wasn’t as they alluded to be, perhaps a “self imposed” mistake or lack of awareness? Could it be that we are eluding ourselves? If we can realize that we have done all we can in a limited venue to find someone who for all intents and purposes matches our criteria for romance, BUT that the hold out is the actual face-to-face meeting as the be all and end all of ascertaining REAL attraction, I think there would be a whole lot less disappointment, and a lot more success stories.

Expectations are SELF IMPOSED and we ourselves need to be accountable for this. If the other person does NOT meet our expectations, it might just be that we built up a persona to suit our fantasy, and perhaps WE indeed, haven’t been realistic.

The other thing that we run into a lot, unfortunately, are the liars and deceivers who get their rocks off by hurting others or just seeing how well they can bullshit their way into getting a date.

That is where experience at meeting comes in handy. There are a lot of ways to detect these people because they forget from one day to the next what lies they told and stories aren’t consistent.

I avoid these like the plague but even an experienced bullshit detector like myself can still be fooled on occasion. BUT, I still prefer this venue for meeting potential dates over all others and have learned that the bottom line is to keep a very open mind, realizing that I am probably grandiosizing a wee bit because I so earnestly want to meet people with whom I can relate to and be myself with and I truly believe that with the masses at my fingertips, I have much higher odds of being successful.

There is a magical dynamic that happens online that is not found in any other venue and I sincerely believe it CAN be translated into real time, with caution, awareness, and the ability to make the smooth transition from that nebulous zone to REAL time, and allow yourself the grace to let chemistry and face-to-face attraction be the deciding factor. Limit your fantasies and know that they are the fuel, but they are not the REAL fire!!!

There’s hundreds of dating sites out there, so how do you choose which one is right for you? There are sites like Dating Review, which lets readers rank their favorite dating sites, but those can only go so far. Besides, what’s good for one person might not be so good for you, and one person’s bad date might taint their idea of an otherwise great service.

Well, what’s important to you? Are you looking for someone to date, or something more erotic? Are you only interested in dating someone from a specific geographic region, or someone of a certain ethnicity? Straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual? And where do you live? All those factors change what the perfect dating service is to you.

Some sites are strictly for dating. Some cater to intimate encounters and living out sexual fantasies. Some are for certain regions, by city, state, country, etc., and some for Blacks, Hispanics, Asians, yadda yadda yadda. There’s different sites for every orientation, as well, and some sites have different sections for all of them. Some dating services have a larger demographic in some areas than others. If you live in a very small town, you’re not as likely to find a lot of local matches as someone who lives in New York City.

But it all boils down to finding one special person. A needle in a haystack. Sometimes finding the needle is easier in a smaller haystack.

My advice? Try as many sites as you’d like. Most have free trials, or at least allow free searches before you sign up. If a site you’re interested in doesn’t offer a free trial, write them and ask them. Many are happy to oblige.

When filling out your profile on an online dating site, it’s often easy to get carried away and feel like you’re ordering your perfect date from an a la carte menu. With an image in your head of your ideal match, you start clicking check boxes and making selections. But these choices could prevent a potentially good match, even someone who fits your criteria exactly, from responding to your profile. Before you post your profile, think about what others might imply from your selections, and whether or not your choices are carved-in-stone requirements, or more negotiable preferences.

Sometimes, in order to appear in as many search results as possible, people will select wide ranges in their preferences for age, weight, height, or mileage willing to travel. To some, this might seem like they’re open-minded, but to others, it just screams “desperate.” Are you really willing to date someone aged 18-99, between 3’6″ and 7’11” who lives in outer East Mongolia? Unless, of course, you’re from outer East Mongolia. Putting some limits on your criteria could actually make you more attractive to a larger range of people. On the other hand, strict criteria can be too limiting. For instance, one of the greatest advantages of online dating is that you can meet people you wouldn’t ordinarily meet in your everyday life. So why would you want to limit the people you might meet to those living within ten miles of your home?

One aspect of dating profiles that ruffles a lot of feathers is physical requirements. Some people have very narrow windows of what is acceptable to them. While they are entitled to their preferences, they may be unaware that they’re ideal mate could find those preferences a turnoff, even if he or she fits the bill. For an extreme example, let’s say a 42 year old man is seeking a woman between the ages of 18-40. A 38 year old woman might be everything he’s looking for and more, but if she sees that he’s willing to date someone more than half his age, she might think he’s just looking for some arm candy. Even women within the age range specified may feel as though they’re viewed as disposible, as though they might be traded in for a newer model in a few years. Thalia, a member of Dating Advice Forums (DAF), explains, “This sort of thing concerns me because it is a little insulting. I mean, I’m not gonna be this age forever! Although I’d always be younger than him, but still… I guess I am sticking up for the woman I am going to be in a few years.”

Similarly, many men will state that they are looking for a fit woman. Some are vulgar about it, and say things like, “No fat chicks.” Not surprisingly, even thin women are disgusted by remarks like that. Other times, they will try to be more delicate, and say that they’d prefer someone who’s in shape, or under a certain weight or dress size. However, a lot of women, even skinny ones, don’t think they’re thin enough. They don’t want to take the chance of hooking up with a shallow guy who might reject them if their weight fluctuates. Another problem is that men often don’t know what certain weights or sizes look like on a woman. Someone who’s 5’9″ and a size 12 could look thinner than someone who’s 5’2″ and a size 8. Adding to the confusion, many women lie about their weights, and many men really think the 5’10” Playboy Centerfold, with the amazing 36-24-36 curves, actually weighs just 110 pounds. Hint: She doesn’t. Mermaid from DAF adds her opinion, “If someone lists specific physical attributes, even if he describes me in perfect detail, it is grounds for me deleting the email or moving on to the next profile. Someone that is so bent on certain physical features is not the man for me. Sure, physical attractiveness is important, but aren’t other things important besides a perfect ass?”

Men aren’t the only ones with strict criteria. Some women insist on dating a tall man, even if she is short. Other preferences that can backfire include high minimum standards for income and education level. Some think that these requirements will weed out the unemployed and the unintelligent, but it might just make one look like a shallow gold-digger. Lissa, a DAF moderator, says, “If you truly don’t care if someone’s a college grad, it might be a good idea to take that preference out of your ad. It’s possible that a wonderfully intelligent non-college grad would decide not to answer your ad because of that preference.”

The most bizarre criteria I’ve heard about was from a post on Dating Advice Forums. A woman saw an ad from a guy whose otherwise normal profile ended with a line about how he’d prefer if the woman’s name was Dawn.

You need to ask yourself if your criteria is really a preference, or a can’t-live-without-it requirement. If you’re deadly allergic to pets, then by all means state that you can’t date someone with pets. If you’re a reformed alcoholic, you don’t want to date someone who drinks, even casually. You are most certainly allowed to have unwavering standards, but you must be aware that those standards will limit your number of eligible people to date.